Are you the Tortoise or the Hare?

Hey y'all, it's your girl Flower. Your average sister from the boogie down. And I'm here to give you my 2 cents on the current and popular questions, events, and social drama that we all can't seem to avoid.

I'm hoping some of you were wondering where I was for this last month. I know I said I wanted to keep a routine with my posts and I did for three consecutive months. For that I'm proud of myself. I was feeling pretty guilty for my writer's block forgetting to remind myself that my best work didn't come forced. In regards to art and creative energy us artists tend to expect it to come easy like taking our phone out of our pockets. And of course, that's not always the case. As my peoples would say: Life is life-ing right now. With my adulthood complicating more and more each day, the physical and mental energy to pour my thoughts onto my computer screen sort of just shriveled up. I want to give you guys another one of my famous life tokens filled with optimism like my last but to tell y'all the truth, I'm still working on taking my own advice. I have a theory that when it comes to my writing, people are more receptive to or willing to read something that's relatable.

So I might get a little vulnerable here. Let me land. 

I want to talk about stagnancy. The idea of this is very similar to my first post on New Year's Resolutions(check that out if you haven't). My approach to this is going to be slightly different though. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word stagnant? Stuck? Still? Not moving? Imagine feeling like that in life. Sucks right? Like you're running in place to a blurred vision of this dream destination. Well, it's how I been feeling lately. Personally, gaining popularity within literature isn't easily attainable because no one wants to pick up a book anymore, even the digital kind. Don't you active readers try to come for me either, that comment wasn't for you. But the majority would rather read the blogs on social media. Some people would rather watch the remake of a book than exploring the world within its original pages. Not to discredit the abundance of artists that are still working from the ground up for their shine. I'm just saying you can listen to a song a couple of times and something as small as the chorus will cause you to play it over and over. If I don't catch you within the first few sentences I've lost a potential reader and that's discouraging.

So as a writer/journalist who's still trying to find her sound and whether people respond to it, lack of acknowledgement has always been a fear of mine. I want my words to be a safe haven for the troubled who can't deal with the outside world. Where all the pointless racket of a subway ride, the arguing from your parent's room, even the chatter of a crowded lunchroom just sort of fades out. For the people who wait first in line for the emotional rollercoaster of a romance novel or those who sit tucked in the corner of their bed with a thriller in the dark. I want to be the somebody that book clubs debrief about. And with this generation now so fixated on our handheld tablets, I can't say I'm hopeful.

I had my good friend Calijah over for some spliffs and anime the other night. We started catching up, relaying what's been happening since we last saw each other. I express to him my current feelings of stress concerning my work and how the heights of where I want to take it feels so out of reach. I go into detail about my writer's block and how shitty I was feeling about missing a month of posting because I was so adamant on keeping a deadline. How can I say I have a passion for writing when I don't even do it everyday?

He responds with, "Then just write for yourself."

While that would sound like a "duh" moment to anyone else, he kind of blew my brain. Furthering his point, he talks about how his distant dream of being a graphic designer will never diminish, but because he does it for pure enjoyment, the pressure of not being noticed becomes nonexistent. Now everyone knows hard work and success go hand in hand, but what ever happens to passion? The reason you create in the first place. The mental pat on the back for finishing a piece. The proud feeling of your talent staring you right back in the face. It's easy to lose sight of that in life's whirlwind. In this economy where everything revolves around a dollar, being still is almost like a crime. We've been conditioned into thinking that if we aren't breaking our backs "gettin' to the bag" then we aren't doing enough. That we amount to nothing. Subconsciously measuring our self-worth with how much work we can juggle in our daily lives. I thought that being stagnant meant there would be no progress for me, not realizing this time of me running in place is building my stamina for when I run the fucking world.  

Growth is NOT linear. It never will be.

Sometimes we have to take a step back to take a deeper look within ourselves and find what it is we truly seek in life so we can strive to achieve it. During this new moon in Taurus, I set out the intentions I desire and one of them was patience. Without patience, being still will forever be uncomfortable to me when I want to embrace it in any time I may need to practice it. So I understood the Universe's assignment, took my feedback, and now it's back to the drawing board. I'm running my race slow and steady, challenging myself to live in the present instead of depressing myself over aspects in my life that I can't control. 

Before I embark on this journey of evolution I have no choice but to re-learn my wants, needs, and goals. Reevaluate my game plan and try again. I'm going to keep trying too, because if not me then who? We often look to secondary opinions and guidance to give us all the answers but we have them. Sometimes all we need to do to find them is sit in silence. Don't come for me, it works. Overall, I have said all I felt like I needed to hear. I hope whoever this message finds it eases you to know that someone understands the way you feeling. We gon' work this out together. 

Last thing, Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful mothers, grandmothers and all the above out there. It's a hard job but y'all are doing the damn thing. 

This has been a peak into your favorite writer's chaotic mind and on that note...

Until next time guys

With love,

Flower :)