Eh, Platonic Shmatonic

Hey y'all, it's your girl Flower. Your average sister from the boogie down. And I'm here to give you my 2 cents on the current and popular questions, events, and social drama that we all can't seem to avoid.

I turned 24! My birthday passed on the 11th and I couldn't figure out anything to do. I had barely any plans with no idea of what to wear and it just felt like my world was completely falling apart. Also, I got my monthly the same week so no wonder I was ready to cry in a dark corner. When I did decide on what I wanted to do, it just seemed like the universe was plotting against me. Not realizing that I spoke solitude into this month for me. It's pretty ironic how I have social event after social event scheduled this month. But for some reason, the stars aligned for me to experience these activities alone. Was I upset? Nah. Each time I participated in something that was supposed to be done with friends, I had a great time. That doesn't take away from the lonely feelings I often get when it comes to my solitude. You see, I'm still consoling my younger self who suffers from abandonment so not enjoying my friend's company when I want it the most is still very difficult for me (how transparent was that? sheesh). People can shout from the mountain tops that they don't need friends, that they can handle every detriment by themselves but be for real y'all. We all need that companionship. It's literally a fact. 

Speaking of companionship.

I've been thinking a lot about platonic relationships. Specifically ones with the opposite sex. There's that saying, "men and women can't be friends." It caused me to attempt the recollection of male friends I've had throughout my life and I can say, it weren't that many. Which made me pose the question to myself.

"Can we?" Don't get me wrong, it's not like I render it to be impossible. But how many times, women mainly, have we had to friendzone someone whom we assumed had clearer intentions? I know girlfriends who had to end a friendship, sometimes longterm, because their homeboys were really playing the "long game" the whole time. It may not seem like a big deal when you hear about it. For women, this happens more times than not. Now this is the part where the male species gets triggered and start bringing up how it happens to men too. I won't take that away from y'all. Women shoot their shot as well. However, I did come across something interesting in an article called "Men and Women Can't Be Just Friends" by a man name Adrian Ward. He explains the results of an experiment researchers conducted where they gathered alm0st 100 friend pairs and asked them a series of questions related to the friend they chose. Apparently we're all clueless. 

"As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends(Ward)."

This brings me to a discussion I had a couple weeks ago at my close friend Kaila's house with a few of her peoples. We were drinking, smoking, eating wings and pizza. Great combination for a kickback. When I asked everyone, Kaila said something similar. 

"Women can be friends with men but men can't be friends with women." 

Kaila had believed this to be fact. I guess you can say she knows this from experience as she has a decent amount of guy friends. I didn't notice how difficult it may actually be until I bared witness to one of them attempt to take their relationship to another level. A sexual one. The call was connected to the car and she has stepped out, but I heard it. Loud and clear. When he didn't hear an answer he hung up and I told her immediately. She was furious. She called him on the spot, confronting him because she clearly expressed she just wanted to be friends. He denied it of course but she saw right through it and blocked him the next day. 

It's a no brainer that the female brain is wired extremely different from the male brain. The evidence is in everything we do, from how we speak, how we behave, how we react, etc. So when we're befriending someone of the opposite sex, are our minds also in opposite spaces? Are majority of men making women friends because they see us as a goal to accomplish, regardless of how long it may take them? Ward said something else that stood out to me.

"Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more(Ward)."

I can't help but wonder. "Unable". Meaning even if most men tried to overlook this automatic attraction to a beautiful woman, let alone someone they know on a deeper level, they can't. Or at least that's how it seems. I think it's real disappointing how even in friendship men are so wrapped up in their own conquest that they forget the imperativeness of the dynamic in general. I might sound a little traditional here but I believe we need each other and not just romantically. Do we have to have opposite-sex friendships? I wouldn't say necessarily. I would just say if it happens there needs to be a mutual boundary that separates the romantic and the platonic. I won't tell anyone how to act with their friends. If y'all the friends with benefits type then by all means, live your life. Just think about how much more easier it is to find a romantic/sexual partner than it is an authentic male friend, especially in this generation.

I remember I had a coworker named Dino (yes Dino lol) who seemed to want my attention. I saw him as my friend but he saw me a little bit differently. He asked me out and I humbly declined followed by a "I see you as my friend." To my surprise we became quite close afterwards. Someone I look at like an older brother. There was even a time where he stood up to a guy who was making me uncomfortable at our job. Some man made it his business to undress me out my uniform with his eyes, but D made him just as uncomfortable as he did me. It was a small gesture, but meant so much. I didn't have to ask, and I didn't have to be his girlfriend. He just genuinely cared. It was refreshing not having to be on constant defense mode like women of my generation usually are towards men. And I couldn't have thanked him more for that.

 

The relationship with men that a majority of women have is not associated with anything positive. Breakups, betrayal, baby-father drama, abuse. The list goes on. But a genuine and friendly bond between a male and female shows a woman she can be treated properly without there being any strings attached. That this nice act doesn't have to be compensated with something on her body. Nothing is transactional and the payment isn't coochie. It's simply because he cares about you. We all tend to look for love in the wrong places. Some because they love the thrill and for most, well we weren't shown any different. We go into the world only understanding how one gender operates and that’s our own, which turns the dating pool into a sea of unanswered questions and resentment towards each other. All we do is bicker about whether we treat each other right, but don’t make the effort to figure out why. Women with our daddy-issues. Men with their mommy-issues. Of course these are troubles in life that one must conquer within themselves but who says you can't have a little help? We're all seeking for a love that we didn't know we can get from a friend. People deem things like that to be almost impossible because they fail to see the healing aspect of it all. Failing, or more like refusing, to think passed surface level and it's just like... grow up. 

What I want to leave with you guys is this. Speaking for the women here, because this an epidemic we suffer from the most. The amount of heartbreak that we have to overcome in regards to emotional connections with men, most times starting with an ain't shit Father, is unbearable. The impact forces us to be soldiers and all we want is a space to disarm. A place where allowing us to be vulnerable isn't dictated by whether you think you're going to get something out of it. Fellas I need y'all to look pass the pretty face, the shape of her curves and see she's just a girl with feelings. The real kind too, not the horny kind y'all seem to like so much. Remember that y'all don't need to be romantically involved with a woman to show up for her. All this time we've been showing up for ourselves, defending ourselves, even providing for ourselves. While at the same time giving so much of ourselves away and y'all be seeing us as objects. It's exhausting. So try being a friend to one another y'all. I promise it won't kill you. 

Before I head out...

-I'll be making an instgram for this blog very soon where I'll be posting audio clips, interactive questions, and other content relating to the theme of the post. Make sure to follow when I pop out. Oh and Happy Pride!

Okay I'm out forreal y'all

With love,

-Flower :)