Out with the Old, In with the Old?

Hey y'all, it's your girl Flower. Your average sister from the boogie down. And I'm here to give you my 2 cents on the current and popular questions, events, and social drama that we all can't seem to avoid.

In this post I want to talk about letting go. Letting go of old items, letting go of old habits, and letting go of people. I can't say I have the best track record. Many of my past situationships have made their way back into my world with my help, even if it was just for a short time. As in I kind of held the door open for them, knowing what they wanted and thinking I had the mental capacity to handle it. Truth is lol... I never do. Majority of us like to believe that we are stronger than we like to lead on, and while that is most certainly true, in some aspects it just doesn't work that way. We are weak. And it's our responsibility to cater to that weakness. When I say cater, I don't mean to succumb to that fear and live your life based on it. I mean finding and knowing your triggers; straying away from vices that we know will set us off our path. Let's be real though. Temptation is so easy, and girl does it feel so good. That's why so many of us fall to our knees when she shows up. Trust me, myself included. But that's why I want to bring up this conversation. 

I hate feeling stupid for participating in something, or someone lol, that I know will leave me questioning myself when it's all said and done. Shaking my head at my reflection because I knew better but didn't do better. It takes 21 days to form a habit, so they say. But the amount of discipline it takes to be consistent is overwhelming, so we gravitate to what makes us comfortable. How many times have you ordered the same meal at a restaurant? Don't worry I play it safe too. How many of ya stayed friends with someone who wasn't always a friend to you? Can't imagine life without them right? I know. How many times have you held down your partner after they hurt you? Let me raise my hand so you don't feel alone. No need to be ashamed. I feel you. We need to understand that we're all just learning. Still figuring shit out, and it's going to take a few tries.. or a thousand. You get the point.

In the last month, I've had my fair ones with old habits. Your favorite stoner girl had her first real panic attack. 

Cue the Disney Channel audience. 

Not to say that I'm surprised it happened, just shocked it was from my beloved "medicine." The one I've been prescribing myself for quite some time. In my defense, the mary jane that I grew up toking is not the same stuff they pushing in them skreets now. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I am aware it's not, yet I add way too much "seasoning" and partake way too many times in the day. It's funny how the universe works I tell you, because all I kept saying but never fully committing too was, "Imma stop smoking one day" or "I got to chill." Feeling the effects on my body but brushing off the thoughts of paranoia and replacing it with "I'm smacked." One day she[my body] said enough and caught me lacking on my way to the liquor store one night. My heart was moving faster than my body was going and when the feeling didn't seize after I got home, I knew it was time to go the ER. 

Can you imagine your anxiety being heightened times 2 because you have no idea what's wrong with you? No yeah, I was terrified. Traumatized actually. 

When the doctor asked me if I indulged in smoking or drinking, y'know the protocol, that was the first time I said it out loud. The first time I really looked inside myself and realized that this was pure carelessness. I was abashed telling her my answer and it made me feel a little worse when she looked at me like I should be. I got home and went cold turkey for 2 days straight. A damn good accomplishment if you ask me. And although I did continue my smoking (don't judge me fuckers I have an addiction) I do it at such a moderate level you wouldn't suspect the bong-ripping, shooter-rolling, edible taking, hardcore pothead that I am. For weeks now I have been redefining my relationship with mary jane. Being more aware in how it makes me feel. Taking my control back from the nicotine I exposed myself too. Has it been easy? Of course not. I miss getting so high I can't see. Not to mention almost everyone I know smokes the way I used too.  But I have to legit resist and say no. How will I know discipline if I give up every time life gets difficult? How will I know consistency if I keep breaking my patterns?

Speaking of breaking patterns... There's one I'm still having trouble breaking. Remember in the beginning I mentioned letting go of people? Well I haven't been able to let go of my first love (you thought we were getting vulnerable in the other posts, but I'm about to gag y'all). We're just going to call him Jake. I've known Jake for over a decade now and you'll find it hard to believe that he took me on our first date recently. Yes, I said first. That piece of information can say a mouthful about our relationship, if relationship is what you want to call it. I can't help but fucking wonder what it is that draws me to him every time he flies in from across the country and asks to see me. It's usually nothing casual, so now I'm roped in all over again after doing months of detaching and I get so annoyed with myself. "Again girl? You just pieced your heart back together." I went from smoking weed everyday to barely smoking a full spliff in one sitting. Have blocked, bombed and rejected so many men. I even stopped eating red meat! But let him touch down in the city and I'm folding like a pair of jeans. A beach chair. A flip phone. It's sickening. 

Things like change is so much easier said than done. And it's scary. All of my friends who know about him tell me to dead him. Hell, you don't think I know that? It's just deleting his number, (and this may sound juvenile because y'all don't know shit lol) is like deleting a chunk of my life. Our dynamic is all I know and even though it hasn't really been much besides some occasional bedtime playtime and repetitive disputes, I'm not sure I can handle a disruption in that. Ugh, I sound pathetic. But don't we all get this vulnerable at one point in our lives? Haven't we all felt this way about someone? Let's disregard my situation for a minute and tell the truth. Nobody here is better than anybody and just because your tolerance is lower don't make you high and mighty. It wasn't always that low...

This is my point though. Nobody's perfect. It's cliche to say, I know. And this won't be my excuse to give the green light on all things toxic. It's not really looked at as anything else besides a choice after a while. But I just know there are others out there who have difficulty giving themselves grace for engaging in things that aren't exactly the best for them in most aspects. Trying to hide behind their insecurities of looking like a fool to others and suppressing their own embarrassment. Often times people from the outside looking in are so quick to judge your situation. Looking down on you and your morals because "it could never be them" until it is... I always say, "everyone has their breaking point" and it's been a mantra I repeat before I hear something that I can't imagine going through. I'm not saying that you should disregard your values, don't let the message go over your head. I'm simply saying that your morals are exactly that. Yours. And to criticize someone for not having them is sort of crazy, no? Karma is just as real as the human instinct to judge, so just be wary of that before you call your homegirl stupid for going back cause that could be you.

Change is nerve-racking, but also very necessary. Don't be too engulfed in doing what you want that you refuse to grow because you'll only be hurting yourself. That's self-sabotage and there's a thin line between it and my point. But making a few bad choices doesn't define you, in fact it's normal and it won't be the end of the world. Give yourself a hug today, you deserve it.

With love,

Flower :)